Grilled Asparagus Rafts with Goat Cheese and Cherry Tomatoes

People tend to bitch about not having any good side dishes to go with their main courses. Yes, the main course is the star of the show, but without side dishes, it's no fun. Think about it -- what the fuck are you going to do with just a pork chop on your plate with no buddies? Your pork chop needs friends, dammit!

For a side vegetable, there's nothing better than asparagus, not only does it turn your pee to an acrid stink (which always makes me laugh, yes, I'm a certified moron) , it's quick to cook, and it looks good. Some people don't like asparagus, but you don't want them eating your dinner. Those jerks can go eat their fast food hamburgers with their jerk friends. Damn fast food assholes!

Fresh bundle of Asparagus

Fresh Cherry Tomatoes

Goat Cheese crumbles

Fresh Dill

Balsamic Vinegar

Olive Oil

Fresh lemon juice

Extra Virgin Olive Oil

Salt and Pepper

Wooden Skewers (soaked in water)

Get a baking pan out and put some water into it, and let the wooden skewers sit in the water. This will prevent them from burning when you use them on the grill later. Half an hour should be good enough to get some water into the skewers, as long as they are pretty thin. Thick skewers will split your asparagus so keep this in mind. Don't blame me later if your ass splits the damn spears. I'll say, "I told you so, you assface!"

While those are soaking, get a small bowl out with a whisk. Pour a tablespoon or two of balsamic vinegar into the bowl, some finely chopped dill, a splash of lemon juice, some freshly cracked black pepper, and whisk the mixture for a bit. As you're whisking, drizzle the extra virgin olive oil into the mix little by little. Whisking the olive oil into the balsamic vinegar will actually combine the two liquids together quite well as opposed to having the oil just floating on top of the vinegar. Set this aside for the time being.

Skewer five or six asparagus pieces together, one skewer at the base of each asparagus stalk, and drive another skewer through the tips. This can be kind of tricky if you have thin or dry asparagus, because it will split if you're not careful. This doesn't have to be perfect, because you'll end up removing the skewers eventually, but it's easier to grill this way. Next, make a few cherry tomato skewers; this should only take a few moments unless you're a fumblefingers like me.

When the rafts are completed, drizzle some olive oil over them on both sides. Season with a little bit of salt and pepper. Do the same with the tomatoes.

Grill the asparagus rafts and cherry tomato skewers for a few minutes on each side on a medium hot grill, being careful not to burn them too badly -- you will definitely get a few black bits here and there, but that's ok. The charred parts add a bit to the flavor.

Place the asparagus rafts and tomatoes onto a plate and sprinkle a bunch of goat cheese crumbles over them while they are still hot. Drizzle the dressing over the asparagus and the cheese, and serve (with or without the skewers).

A suggested variation: Try feta cheese instead of goat cheese. The sharp salty taste of feta goes with the woody taste of the asparagus pretty well. Try adding a few herbs and shallots into the vinagrette to get some more flavor and variation into the dish.

This is yet one more simple side dish that will rock your world, biatch. If this was part of your master plan to seduce your date, you owe me big time for the pimp food skills!